glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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