when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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