Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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