i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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