oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
