I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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