Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
