3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
is wine microwaveable?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
