His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
