When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
