M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I could make wine with my vomit
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize