my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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