my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize