I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We got so high we made milksteak
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
