opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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