From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She swung at the pinata with crutches
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize