Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize