someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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