I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
