I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
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