We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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