so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
