I'm pants shitting drunk right now
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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