So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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