Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It's just like the Real World with babies
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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