so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
