if you like me you must not know who I am
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize