I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
