I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
