dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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