If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
