My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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