You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize