someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Randomize
