i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
