Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
