i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
