We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
