There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
