How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
