My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
