my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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