Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
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