I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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