i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
