FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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