Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
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