Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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