can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize