I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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