I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
