Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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