She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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