They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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