Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
