Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize