god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Another day, another engagement, another cat
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
