I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
