dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
